|Our first Christmas without Matthew, 2005|
While the rain was coming down yesterday, so were the tears, as I stood in my kitchen washing dishes looking at a photo of Nathan by the fresh grave site of his baby brother. Nothing can quite drop me to my knees like the flooding of the memories from those days and seeing Nathan’s 5 year old brown eyes filled with tears yet wearing a smile, he was so proud to give Matthew his 1st Christmas tree…
The days when the dirt was fresh… and in a mound, freshly piled, shovel after shovel. It digs into the gut of my heart and aches when I think of it.
I was standing there and I just called out to God, “DEFINE ME… DEFINE ME GOD!”
Words that I have never uttered before came out of my mouth. Here I stood staring at my son’s grave, unable to feel my legs, feet and multiple other injuries from that day, and I wanted God to define me.
I know I am a child of God, a wife and a mother… and I have often asked God "who am I?" but this was different... I wanted God to define me. May sound the same to you, but when you are soul searching, it brings on a whole new meaning.
I am so preoccupied with the busyness of life, ball fields here and there, my book, the new online magazine that I am a part of, my blog, starting a new business with Arbonne, working on getting my family healthy and being proactive in having a healthier life, along with the day to day tasks of keeping the house in order and surviving doctor visits coupled with whatever comes my way that day.
BUT in the craziness of this life, my life, what are my motives for doing all of the above? What is the desire of my heart?
The day I “accepted” my injuries and our loss, is the day I knew through it all, I would have to use the strength God was gracing me with daily to help others.
And as I stood in the kitchen, so much has changed since that day of the fresh dirt… but I found that my motives have not… my heart’s desire had not changed… if anything, it has become stronger. No matter what I am doing, or where I am going, I want to help others. And that left me to challenge myself in the next 5 years, no matter where I am or what I am doing, that I want to remain true to those motives and desires.
That is who I am… who God has called me to be. And with each new day, as the dirt gets older and older, and the mound is no longer present, my heart remains full of fresh hope, love and grace to give to others, to help others and to touch the lives of everyone I meet.
Whether it is through my book, my blog, the magazine or through Arbonne… I have accepted my new 5 year challenge and will see it through, one moment at a time. And I look forward to the amazing things that God has assigned to me and blessed our family with.
If you are facing a mound of fresh dirt today, don’t turn your head away from the pain. I know it hurts to see it, to feel it and to accept it… it hurts badly.
But I can say that through pain, we gain endurance. And we can find the passion within our pain that will inspire us, drive us and motivate us every day to get up and fight to find the survivor within. (Some days that is a battle in itself- But she’s in there!)
I have been running this race for almost 7 years… and at times the endurance meter runs so low that I find myself stopping, wanting to give up. There are days I want to go away, I want to shut myself out and be left alone… and some days I wish no one knew my struggles, because I don’t want the sympathy, and I definitely don’t want the “I’m sorry’s,” even though I know most of them are genuine. And the ironic thing is that when I feel like that, I am most sad… and it is then I realize I am carrying the burden when God wants to do that for me. I do not have joy when I am not helping others. And from time to time I will try to outrun it… crazy, I know, but it’s the truth. The pain, unequivocal to anything I have ever experienced, but the prize ahead worth it all.
Every day is a challenge, a choice. Are you making a difference in someone’s life today? Is someone making a difference in yours?
Just as I watched our bird fly away today, I was reminded of the momentum that God has blessed me with by giving me beautiful friends and a loving family that are literally the wind beneath my wings. On the worst of days, I am never flying solo…
If you were to ask God today to DEFINE YOU, what would His answer be?
I stand in awe of the works of God and His creations… I am blessed and grateful and full of hope for tomorrow.
One person can make a difference! Won’t you?
Lots of love to all... LCW