Thursday, April 19, 2012

I didn't expect...

What I didn't expect when I was expecting...STILL!

Well, where should I begin?

I didn't expect to be packing my boys up tonight as our early departure for the hospital in the morning would not allow us to take Nate to school, so they are staying with my sister.  I don't ever like kissing them goodnight before surgery ... I just don't.  It makes me sad because my mind always takes that trip of "what if..."  because it has happened to me before.

I try to be brave in front of them so surgery / hospital talk doesn't scare them, but as they leave a tear falls down my cheek... I expected that.

A knot in my throat and a silencing of my thoughts are dancing around.  How can one have silent thoughts?  Lose a child and it is amazing the silent thoughts we have.  The kind where you see the carousel moving, but there is no music.  That is playing over in my head.

I didn't expect to be sitting here tonight without Matthew.

I didn't expect to be having another surgery almost 7 years after I went into the hospital to have a baby... and leave without him.

It is just RW and myself, accompanied by our dog & cat left here tonight as the countdown begins... and when we don't have kids here the night before surgery is always hard... the quietness and stillness make it all too real.  It means we are making the drive once again that we have so many times before.  The drive so early in the morning where I will be wishing it was over.

A very sobering drive.  A drive that my husband always makes the most of, making me smile~ holding my hand tight~ talking about the future and how he cannot wait to take me to the mall on the way home. (sigh)  He is so good to me and has taken such good care of me.  This is a road he surely never expected either. his life on hold as he takes care of me with no complaints.  I love him.  And I am blessed, so very blessed to be his wife.

I will check in and put on the lovely garment that screams fashion icon accompanied by the sticky socks!  You know which ones I am talking about!  I bet if I brought Velcro balls, RW and my mom could throw them at my feet when I was in recovery for a game of, well, you get the picture!  Ugh!  and then comes my crowning glory... the surgery cap!  Oh yes ma'am!  The kind where I should be asking you what you would like on your sandwich tray!  (no offense my sweet cafeteria friends, but when you add that to my already iconic ensemble, you can see the fabulosity fading quickly!)  And NO LIPSTICK!  Seriously, people!  Ugh, so I will abide by the rules that I am convinced some man made or designed!  And as soon as they get me into recovery, RW will hand me my lipstick!  He knows the rules! ;)

Please no thank you cards for the laugh! ;) This was when I was receiving botox for the 1st time in my bladder!  I thought (as I was sedated- it's amazing the thoughts you think are good when you are sedated!)  that it was a good idea to take a photo so I could show everyone my 'botox' since they would never see it on my face!  LOL!  Quit laughing!!! ;)
Anyway, this is never easy, never wanted, but necessary for me to live better...  so I will go in and rock it out in the operating room as I have before talking about my bible scriptures and fabulous handbags!

Life has certainly handed us a great deal of "ughs" but we surely have some beautiful "ahs" too!

I didn't expect to ever be okay ever again after losing Matthew... I didn't expect to be so blessed with Will.... I didn't expect to still mother 3 boys when only 2 of them were here with me.  I didn't expect God's mercy, grace  & forgiveness to overflow my heart and make me content.  Not content because I don't have Matthew or not content because I am still inured from that day, but content because I know one day I will have my baby again and content because on that day, I will be whole again.

I expect that!

Signing off to get some beauty rest before they put me in that ugly, ugly gown tomorrow!  Something has to look good! ;)

Much love to all!  xoxo!


  1. praying for you, as you face another "ugh" tomorrow.
    way to make us all laugh and stuff! you're so cool!
    Love you, LW

  2. You're in my thoughts and prayers. <3