Sunday, April 22, 2012

pain & fear collide...

It's nearly 4 a.m. and I am unable to sleep, partly due to the 'recovery' efforts I am making (and the massive amounts of antibiotics that are making me sick!)... and partly due to my own mind not being settled.

If you have read my book,  you will know the fear I have of the hospital and surgeries, yet the necessity of having them both in my life.  And you will understand the following...

I went into surgery this time more confident than ever that all would be well.  And it was 'textbook,' quoting the doctor.  They were able to do 2 procedures for 1 'sleep' and that was a relief to me... going into the O.R. just once is always better than twice.  (unless you are Joan Rivers!) ;)

I have more stories about the surgery experience, but that is for another time... you can look forward to my bright yellow sticky socks and be jealous if you don't have any!  If you don't know what I am talking about, catch up here.

As I lay in bed last night fighting the immense pain in my abdomen and lower back, I held my stomach and remembered what led me to this journey, this battle, this place in my life, in the hospital bed... and the precious little life that was within me, the very spot where my hands were holding my stomach praying the pain would subside... that is where my pain and fear collide...

I drifted off to sleep and woke up sweating and praying all at the same time.

I had a terrible nightmare, so real, so intense that I probably would have called 911 if I had my phone near me.

I was laying down sleeping next to RW and my stomach began to bulge out, like it was going to explode... my hands were holding it as tight as I could trying to keep whatever was in there inside of me, where it belonged... but it was out of my hands... fear engulfed me and I screamed "there's something wrong!"  RW looked at me with great concern and didn't hesitate to understand the urgency I was feeling... but it was too late... my stomach was distorted and contracting and it was exploding...

I screamed in pain and full of fear.

I then woke up holding my stomach and looking for blood, the dream was that real.

My fears were that real.  And this dream, very symbolic for what happened on that day that brought me here... the day Matthew was no longer protected and I had no control over what happened to me or to my precious baby.

When I was pregnant with Matthew, I loved to feel him move, kick and hiccup!  I loved knowing that I was protecting him from the great big scary world that he would meet, all too soon, or so I 'expected.'  I would rub my stomach and talk to him, love him and always protected him.

Almost 7 years later, the very sacred place that held my baby is gone... my uterus was taken to save my life the day that he lost his.

But last night, horrific memories came back, pain collided with fear and I was overwhelmed with the thought, once again, that I had no control over this.  I am 'strong' enough to admit that fear is a stronghold that I have to overcome daily.  God has given me the courage to do what I do, but some moments, I am not that brave, and cannot find my courage.  It is then, I delight in the things that God does to remind me He has my back when I am facing adversity.  Like Dave... Dave is still with us... and matter of fact, as I have been in the bed for some 36 plus hours now, he has entertained me on the window seal, right next to Matthew's curio. {For more on Dave, read here}

I can't look for reasons why this happened, or why I am still physically battling with my injuries, but I can look, and believe me, I make it a point, to look for God's grace and mercy every day of my life.  For when I look there, the fear and pain subside and peace and comfort abide.

Acknowledging that you have fear is really important to overcome it.  You cannot face something you deny you never have... and you certainly don't need to shove them in a box somewhere- I did that for so long, not good friends... not good.  You don't  have to give into the fears, but rather recognize them for what they are and what God says about them- "For God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind."  

Tonight, as I laid in bed, I held my stomach, my hand running over the faded scar that marks the spot where the sacred was held and was taken out of my body, remembering the events of that day and the time that would follow it.  As my body is responding to this recent surgery with pain, my heart is also responding subconsciously and consciously with fear along with pain.  But as I learn to embrace the new battle scar on my body, I know as it heals, it will evolve into another "Beauty Mark" and remind me even more of God's grace, His mercy and my precious baby boy!

If you are struggling with pain and fear today, rest knowing God is in control... I plan to.

Good night or good morning to all!  xoxo!

One more note- I give God my fears ALL through the day...every day.  Whenever anxiety is near, I remember my husband's words that we need to just make it through this moment and then go to the next. Doing that grounds my fears of tomorrow or five years from now...God knows what is going to happen in the days to come and I have to have faith that just as He did yesterday, He will take me through tomorrow too.  Moment by moment, I live life.  And when those moments are full of fear, I repeat this cycle of giving God my fears and taking a moment at a time.  I repeat it over and over and over...


  1. Praying for you...and praying for the collision between the hurt and the Healer to override where the pain and fear collide. Love, friend...

  2. Thinking of you Lori. I hope the pain eases up for you. xoxo

  3. thinking of you, praying for you, so glad that God is in control. always. He is our Redeemer!
    xoxo sweetness.