Dear Non-Bereaved Mama,
I am so grateful that you don't know how life is after the loss of your child. I am so grateful that you don't know the pain, the heartache or the desperation that takes occupancy within my heart.
Sometimes I wish you would just "understand" me, but then again I am so grateful that you don't.
Sometimes all I want to do is sleep and sometimes I am afraid to.
Sometimes I am so sad.
Sometimes it is too hard to look in the mirror because there I see the pain in my eyes that I feel in my heart.
Sometimes I want to tell you how hard it is but I have resorted to just telling you I am "okay," that's what the world thinks I should be anyway. Sometimes it is easier to just be "okay" in society until I get home to silence and then, then I wish I had a friend.
I have many "sometimes" but I always have an "always" and when those "sometimes" happen, the "always" is always there. Always missing my child, Always. Not just sometimes, always.
Sometimes I feel awkward and alone. Sometimes when you tell me you are having a rough day because you have to rush your children here and there and laundry and homework, I get really mad. What I wouldn't give to have to take all my children to three different places and to teach one more math. I wonder how you could say that to me? But as I think back to my life before loss, I really didn't think about such things either. So as much as it makes me mad, I know you just don't "know." And I don't ever want you to "know."
I really cannot help all of these feelings. I did not ask to feel them and I don't want to feel them.
I did not sign up to be a grieving mama, there was not a college preparatory class for this. It's much harder than it looks.
Every single day of my life, I see room for one more.
When a smile is on my face, a tear is under the surface. Some days are better than others. And some, some days just stink.
The bottom line friend is this, I miss my baby. I love him therefore I miss him, therefore I grieve.
I will (for the rest of my life) miss my child every single day.
I will (for the rest of my life) love my child every single day.
I will (for the rest of my life) grieve my child every single day.
To sum it all up, I will be done grieving when I am done breathing.
Sure I will laugh, I will love, I will live...but I will do all of those things missing my child. Always.
See friend, I respect and understand the place that grief resides in my life. I ask that you do too.
And if you see me having a moment, please understand grief is like a current for me, I never know when it will take me under, when it will pull me here or there, but I do know when the current releases me and when I have the strength to go back out, that I truly wish my friends would be there. If grief scares you, can you please take a moment and think about how much it scares me too?
I don't have a disease, I am a mother, just like you, that loves her child and you loving your child is beautiful,.
For me friend, for me, grieving is missing and loving my child.
I will always love...always love my child. Loving my child is beautiful too!
Thank you friend for listening. Thank you.
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Author~ Lori C. Weatherly