Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Dear Non-Bereaved Mama, with love, Grieving Mama

Dear Non-Bereaved Mama,

I am so grateful that you don't know how life is after the loss of your child.  I am so grateful that you don't know the pain, the heartache or the desperation that takes occupancy within my heart.

Sometimes I wish you would just "understand" me, but then again I am so grateful that you don't.

Sometimes all I want to do is sleep and sometimes I am afraid to.

Sometimes I am so sad.

Sometimes it is too hard to look in the mirror because there I see the pain in my eyes that I feel in my heart.

Sometimes I want to tell you how hard it is but I have resorted to just telling you I am "okay," that's what the world thinks I should be anyway.  Sometimes it is easier to just be "okay" in society until I get home to silence and then, then I wish I had a friend. 

I have many "sometimes" but I always have an "always" and when those "sometimes" happen, the "always" is always there.  Always missing my child, Always.  Not just sometimes, always. 

Sometimes I feel awkward and alone.  Sometimes when you tell me you are having a rough day because you have to rush your children here and there and laundry and homework, I get really mad.  What I wouldn't give to have to take all my children to three different places and to teach one more math.  I wonder how you could say that to me?  But as I think back to my life before loss, I really didn't think about such things either. So as much as it makes me mad, I know you just don't "know."  And I don't ever want you to "know."

I really cannot help all of these feelings.  I did not ask to feel them and I don't want to feel them.

I did not sign up to be a grieving mama, there was not a college preparatory class for this.  It's much harder than it looks.

Much harder.

Every single day of my life, I see room for one more.

When a smile is on my face, a tear is under the surface.  Some days are better than others. And some, some days just stink.

The bottom line friend is this,  I miss my baby.  I love him therefore I miss him, therefore I grieve.

I will (for the rest of my life) miss my child every single day.

I will (for the rest of my life) love my child every single day.

I will (for the rest of my life) grieve my child every single day.

To sum it all up, I will be done grieving when I am done breathing.

Sure I will laugh, I will love, I will live...but I will do all of those things missing my child. Always.

See friend, I respect and understand the place that grief resides in my life.  I ask that you do too.

And if you see me having a moment, please understand grief is like a current for me, I never know when it will take me under, when it will pull me here or there, but I do know when the current releases me and when I have the strength to go back out, that I truly wish my friends would be there.  If grief scares you, can you please take a moment and think about how much it scares me too?


I don't have a disease, I am a mother, just like you, that loves her child and you loving your child is beautiful,.

For me friend, for me, grieving is missing and loving my child.

I will always love...always love my child.  Loving my child is beautiful too!

Thank you friend for listening.  Thank you.

With love,

Grieving Mama



©2011-2013 All Rights Reserved http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/
Author~ Lori C. Weatherly

42 comments:

  1. I was just thinking about this this morning...wanting to honestly and humbly ask my friends/family what it is about my grieving that makes them uncomfortable...or is it just me thinking it does? I find I try to protect them from having to experience my grief, by not sharing that I'm having a bad day. But why? Why shouldn't they get to see it, why shouldn't they be reminded once in a while what I feel every day? Thank you for these words:
    I will be done grieving when I am done breathing.

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    1. Oh sending hugs to you Tara! I am so sorry! Thank you so much for reading and for sharing with me!

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    2. As this letter states; grieving Momma never knows when it will take me under, when it will pull me here or there! This letter was one of those sometimes that took me to my always! I sat here crying like a baby missing my son who I lost to a drunk driver in 1976. As I sit here and sob, it makes me very aware that I cry easy now! it is as though I am more sensitive than ever. It seems that when one hurdle gets a little easier; for whatever reason I find another that I need to learn how to get past. My other 3 children are all grown up. They are wonderful adults with good educations and wonderful partners; one with 2 grandchildren. People assume that since they are so wonderful and they really are, that somehow they should be enough. But as you know when you lose a child, it is an always. I know that my som was cheated out of an entire life and I was cheated out of watching him grow into that adult! I have now injured myself and can no longer work, it seems that this free time is far more of a burden than anything else. A busy mind is a distration and without distractions grieving mom has too much time on her hands to think and run into things that sometimes take me to that always! NO, unless you have lost a child you can not understand what someone goes through! (for the rest of there life) I pray for you and all these other lovely ladies that have also been sentanced to grieve till their last breath!

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  2. Most people in my world pretend that nothing happened. His name isn't mentioned. My grief isn't seen whether I put it out there or not. It really ticks me off some days. At work this week, one of my coworkers said that losing her wedding ring was like losing a child. Not a single person noticed.

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    1. Wow! I have actually lost both, wedding ring and child, I would rather lose a million wedding rings to have my one baby back. How totally insensitive!

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    2. I don't know you, but I am a grandma with 11 grandchildren and I cannot imagine the pain that comment gave you. Some words just come out of people like a waterfall, that should have been stopped by a dam of thoughtfulness for your pain. May I for her, tell you how sorry I am that you had to hear that comment and be silent, and I'm not sure that the response, quietly "No, losing a wedding ring is not like losing a child." would not have been appropriate. We need to be reminded of the value of life over things. Bless your heart.

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  3. I am having a rough week missing my son Alexander. What you have to say is pretty much how I am feeling most of the time

    Nancy
    http://thecookiegal.wordpress.com/2013/08/14/missing-alexander/

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  4. I have not lost a child, but close friends recently have. Thank you to you, and so many others, who humbly blog about their new lives in the wake of a stillbirth loss. It truly helps me try to do the 'right' things to help our friends.

    Your words 'I will stop grieving when I stop breathing' are painfully beautiful.

    My love and prayers to all those who have suffered a loss

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    1. What a good friend to read the information out there to help better understand your grieving friends. Kudos to you. :)

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  5. I could have written this.. thank you so much to have written these words that most of us grieving mamas think and feel and want to say to others who ask us have we not finish grieving yet.. thank you again

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    1. Thank you Nathalie for reading. I hope this will help you in some way along this journey! XO!

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  6. You are so right, losing a Child is a Life sentence, and though the wound will heal somewhat with time, it will only ever be a scar on the surface. Unfortunately it will burst open and blead from time to time for the rest of our lives. Some people may call us crazy because of that, and I guess grief is a pretty crazy business. Once one has experienced what it takes for ones heart to keep on beating, when one has had to leave that tiny Little bundle that one was suppose to cherish, love, and protect forever behind, Close the door to that lonely hospital room, and keep on Walking with empty arms, there is no going back...And there is no "getting over it." How could there be? The way I see it, we would be a lot more crazy if we didn't grieve until our last breath here in this world. Sending you love and light, and wishing you Peace and healing.

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    1. Sending you big hugs Helene! Thank you for sharing with me and for reading! This is definitely a difficult journey! XOXO!

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  7. This was a perfect reflection of some things i have often felt and even been thinking this very week in my own life and journey through the grief of loosing my 5 month old son Wyatt recently. Thank you for sharing and I hope many will read this aw a way to somewhat "understand" a mother's grief.

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    1. I am so sorry about the loss of your son Wyatt. Truly breaks my heart to know so many of us know this pain, all too well. Thank you for reading and for sharing...Much love!!!

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  8. This was a perfect representation of many things I've felt and even been thinking over the past few weeks in my own grief journey after loosing my own 5 month old son 8 months ago. Although I NEVER want any other family to have to truly understand how it feels to loose a child, sometimes you do wish other people just had somewhat of an idea of what you go through every single day. I hope many people will read this and "understand" as much as possible. Thank you so much for sharing what a grieving mother goes through every second of every minute of every day.

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    1. Kellie, I am so sorry about the loss of your son. I thank you for reading and for sharing with me. Hugs to you!

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  9. thank you for putting in writing how i feel every day.. i wish we could wear this as a sign on our faces. or find a way to make sure everyone knows this.

    if only anyone would stop for a moment and read an article so well put as this, but unfortunately WE are for the most part the only people reading it... the ones who feel so similar. atleast we know there are others like us out there echoing our words and feelings. :/

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    1. I wish there weren't so many of us! Thank you for reading! Sending big hugs friend!!! XO!

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  10. So sorry to hear about the loss of your precious Matthew.

    I think letters like this don't work- though I can understand why you needed to write it.

    Dead children frighten other mothers. They don't provoke a compassionate response towards the bereaved parent - instead people are embarassed, uncomfortable and often downright angry with you. People just really don't want to hear it's painful... they would rather hear that your subsequent baby has "healed you" - they want their bereaved parents brave and inspirational, perhaps busy setting up a trust to help other people whose kids haven;t died yet.

    It's not that people don't understand it and will respond to being told - they hear you - they just don't want to know.

    I can remember once sitting down and writing the letter I thought that my friends would want to write to me :( It was not pretty :(

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    1. Susan, I am so sorry for your loss and for your experience writing a letter. :( Hurts my heart that you feel this pain as well. Thank you for reading and for sharing with me! Hugs to you!

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  11. Loosing a Child , whatever age,is a "Life Sentence". As time moves on the " Rock/ Stone " you carry around with you becomes less sharp but still a Heavy Burden!!

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    1. Yes, indeed, a heavy burden! Thank you for reading and for sharing!!!

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  12. I think it is a little of both - the grieving try so hard to not make others uncomfortable and those who are not grieving(but who do care) try to not cause extra grief -- not understanding that being able to put voice to the sorrow would actually be a blessing at the times when it feels like it will overwhelm you.

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    1. Thank you for sharing! Sending hugs to you!!!

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  13. I have been grieving for my stillborn son for 38 years and my stillborn daughter for 31 years. It is a life sentence.

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    1. Oh Gale, I am so sorry! So sorry! XOXO!

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  14. Thank you so much for sharing this and putting it all into words for others to understand! These are my feeling and thoughts too. I am going to share this in hopes that my friends take time to read it.

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    1. I hope your friends will take the time to read it too, Courtney! Thank you for reading! Much love!!!

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  15. This is the way I feel all the time. I can't have anymore children. I tried so hard but it just wasn't to be. People will say things like u can share mind. This is one time I don't want to share I want mind. Sometimes people will say I lost a dog or cat that I loved so much so I know how u feel. Ask all of the mom's who have lost their children if it's the same "NOT". Thank you for posting this Amber I find myself having to defend my feelings all the time so I just say I am ok because I don't want to make others uncomfortable . Because when u try to explain they jusy can't under stand why u are still missing your child "hasn't it been long enough" So these words "I will stop grieving when I stop breathing " is perfect we need not say anymore.

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    1. Thank you for reading and for sharing with me! I am so sorry about your loss! You are not alone in this journey of grief! Sending hugs to you!!!

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  16. So beautifully put. I have just suffered my 3rd and most horrific miscarriage. It has been hard and people have avoided me like I am carrying a disease. My heart feels heavy but this has helped. Thank you.

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    1. Crystal, Big hugs to you! I am so sorry about your losses...so very sorry!

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  17. Thank you for sharing. I have recently lost my 21 year old in a car accident in April. He was on his way home, one exit away his car broke down on the road. Several people were able to miss him, there were tons of 911 calls, but no body stopped to help. A car and then a semi truck hit him within seconds of each other. The semi never put on his breaks and hit him going 7o mph, dragged him down the interstate up an exit ramp and everything explode. He burned. The had to shut down the interstate for 6 hours and our doorbell rang at 4:30 in the morning. All I heard was El Camino, my son's name, and that he didn't make it. Whatever was said around that was quickly forgotten. Amazingly no one else had a scratch on them. I am tired of having to keep going, although my kids have always been my drive and the two left here on earth with me continue to be my driving force for staying here on this earth and continuing my masters education in nurse anesthesia. I have been lucky enough to be blessed with the people around me, but at the same time I have actually been told that my calls were not picked up because they had stuff going on in their lives. It hurt. I feel as if sometimes I should keep quiet to not push others away. But I have to continue on speaking of him because he is still my son. He is with me in my heart even though he is not physically here today. I have also heard remarks that were not I felt necessary or appropriate. Does it make me angry, yes. Does it hurt, yes. But I guess the hurt that is caused by those thoughtless words are not as intense as the hurt I have not having my son here with me. I am struggling to continue.

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    1. Oh I am so sorry about the loss of your son...I send you great big hugs today! He will always be your son, keep speaking of him! XOXO!

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  18. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful thoughts. I wish I could express myself like you do. Grieving is so hard no matter if your child is an infant, toddler, teen, or an adult. My son Jason was 37 and had 3 children. He left us on 12-23-12 & I don't know how we will get through this Christmas. He had a very rare and aggressive cancer and we miss him so very much. Some days I just feel like crawling in a hole.

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    1. Thank you for reading...I am so sorry for the loss of your son. It hurts my heart so deeply for the pain that I know you are experiencing...some days I do crawl into a hole. Those days are okay to have and sometimes necessary. So many hurting hearts...I am so sorry! Sending big hugs to you!!!

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  19. "To sum it all up, I will be done grieving when I am done breathing." I so love this line. I lost my identical twins Lucy and Polly to twin to twin transfusion syndrome recently and this really resonated with me....

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