Social media is flooded with ultrasound photos, photos of growing baby bump bellies and the infamous countdown to delivery dates. Wow, life is happening.
Scrolling through, it is easy to see the great (innocent) anticipation that these smiling mothers have! I remember the last time I felt that, that innocent anticipation of thinking I was coming home with my baby boy.
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| He was ALIVE.! ^^right there! He was ALIVE! |
I love it when life is created! BUT I also know that when life is created, it doesn't necessarily mean life always gets to go home with you. NO matter how ready you are.
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| Baby Shower |
I am pretty sure that most expecting moms have read a book or two on "what to expect when expecting," right?
I did!
I had the big version!
But when the "unexpected" happened to me, the innocent anticipation of "expecting" to hear Matthew's first cry along with the rest of what we "expected" was shattered and blown to lands far, far away. Never to be recovered.
SO when I see all of the pregnancy news and announcements, I am not heading out the door to buy the diapers yet...
The innocence is gone and always will be.
As much I want to rejoice in the excitement, my heart holds back...it just does. Because sometimes you just don't get what you are "expecting."
In my heart, I really just pray, God please let her keep him...please let her keep her baby.
My first thought usually is " I hope this baby doesn't die." I have to concentrate on not saying it out loud. I don't want to take that innocence from anyone, even though mine has been blown to smithereens
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post...I have been writing a similar post in my head for quite sometime! I have very similar thoughts. Some of my first words I wrote in my journal when my son James was stillborn in 2010 were: "Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you will get to bring home a baby." These words are my first painful thoughts when I see a pregnant woman or find out someone in my life is expecting. I silently cringe to myself when baby showers are held prior to baby being born (I cannot attend them), or when baby items are purchased and nursury rooms are set up in anticipation. My thoughts come from a place of knowing, knowing that all that can be shattered. I am glad there is innocence and this burden is not on all, and I pray for each baby that they get to breathe outside their mama's womb and get to stay with their family.
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