He will see you through!

"After you've done all you can, you just stand..." lyrics that have played again and again in my head, on my CD player and shouted back at God...

The early days (by early, I mean like six months) after Matthew passed away, I was so angry, confused, mad and sad, along with many other things.   I had these rants to God that were not pretty at all, but at the time, so necessary and uncontrollable.

I would be home alone and cleaning or keeping myself busy with something and this rage inside of my soul would start to well up inside.  It was almost volcanic.  There was no stopping it.

These rages would come when I was alone, because I would have never let anyone hear me saying such things to God...nor would I have ever let anyone see me so not composed.

I would scream, cry, throw things, hit the floor with my hand, etc...(yes, this girl did that, not just once either!)

It was terrible, yet I needed this release.

I had a worship CD that I listened to on many days and I would be fine until the song I referenced  to at the beginning of this post came on, "Stand" by Donnie McClurkin.

For whatever reason, this song got into the very pit of my soul and stirred everything up.

I am enclosing the lyrics, but if you have a chance to listen to the song, please do.

What do you do when you've done all you can
And it seems like it's never enough?
And what do you say when your friends turn away
And you're all alone, alone?
Tell me, what do you give when you've given your all
And it seems like you can't make it through?

Well you just stand when there's nothing left to do
You just stand, watch the Lord see you through
Yes, after you done all you can, you just stand

Tell me, how do you handle the guilt of your past?
Tell me, how do you deal with the shame?
And how can you smile while your heart has been broken
And filled with pain, filled with pain?
Tell me what do you give when you've given your all
Seems like you can't make it through?

Child, you just stand when there's nothing left to do
You just stand, watch the Lord see you through
Yes, after you've done all you can, you just stand

Stand and be sure
Be not entangled in that bondage again
You just stand, and endure

God has a purpose, yes, God has a plan
Tell me what do you do when you've done all you can
And it seems like you can't make it through?

Child, you just stand, you just stand, stand
Don't you dare give up through the storm, stand through the rain
Through the hurt, yeah, through the pain

Don't you bow, and don't bend don't give up, no, don't give in
Hold on, just be strong, God will step in and it won't be long
After you've done all you can, after you've done all you can
After you've gone through the hurt, after you've gone through the pain
After you've gone through the storm, after you've gone through the rain
Prayed and cried, prayed and cried
Prayed and you've cried
Prayed and cried, oh my
After you've done all you can you just stand

This song messed me all up...I would be standing and cleaning or whatever I was doing and then by the end of the song, I would be on the floor sobbing, broken, and so, so sad.  I remember many times screaming at God that I was standing and I had done all I could do and it wasn't enough!  It wasn't enough!

It had a way of taking me to that vulnerable state that housed all of the anger in me.  I was trying to be strong and in those moments, this song made me let go of the person I was trying to be and made me deal with the person I really was.

To this day, it can still bring me there...

Vulnerability to open the wound of anger and hurt  allows healing to creep in...and that was just what this chic needed.  I needed more of these moments...lots more.

I wish I would have known that then...that "this" was necessary.

And that healing would come as the process of releasing my emotions, my anger, my pain, and allowing forgiveness to have a front row seat within my heart.  I had to get "there" with God and this song took me "there."  God knew my heart anyway, but I had to let go of my pride and tell God I needed Him more than ever...I had to trust God with my heart, again.

And I did...

I can say many songs touched my heart over the years, but this song, this song, worked my heart.

I screamed at God sometimes all the way through it, and He loved me anyway.

Whether you are standing, kneeling, running or face down like I was, don't be afraid to tell God how you feel, Lord knows I wasn't.  Be honest with Him and let Him love you through it all!

I still have some serious "Dear God" moments but I know that at the end of the day, He is going to see me through...just like He did yesterday, the day before and the day before and all of the days before that!

He will see you through too!