I talk about
my injuries and living life with them after losing Matthew quite frequently in
the beginning of my "blogosphere" experience but not so much lately, so if you
are new here and need a little catcher upper, visit here for a quick briefing. There are many posts that go in great depth about my injuries and the physical suffering that comes along with it. But today, I want to talk about Sunday!
Let's get down to business...and yes I am going to talk about shoes!
Y’all know
how much I love shoes, right? (GASP!) And that I wear high heels and cannot
feel my feet, right? Well, Sunday
morning, I dressed for church and pulled out a pair of heels to complete my ensemble. When I slipped the shoes on and
took two steps, I slipped right out of them. Oh boy, I had a moment…I was sad, aggravated and mad because they were supposed to fit me! They were beautiful shoes and I hadn’t worn them since
last summer! They no longer fit me. I
didn’t grow out of them, I shrunk out of them. They were too big!
It isn’t
like a yay I shrunk out of them, like I lost weight or something like that…it
is a sad I shrunk right out of them kind of a deal.
These shoes fit me great last summer and Sunday, once again,
the presence of the atrophy migrating throughout my feet and
legs were evident. I know it is happening, but every
season when I get this blow, it stings. I
become more and more aware of the progress of the degeneration especially in
shoes. I have had to toss lots of my
fabulous shoes from my lack of fitting into them anymore. I will admit that in the beginning when this
started happening, I would keep the shoes hoping and praying for them to fit
again. Okay, okay, I still have one pair that hasn’t fit me in several years! Sigh. But
they are so pretty!
I better
focus…Lord help me before I go get those shoes and try them on, again!
Alright, back
to Sunday…
After they slipped right off of my feet, I gained my composure and I put those
shoes right back on and walked down my hallway to prove to myself that I could
still wear them. As I was walking down
the hall, I sounded like a herd of cattle trucking down a hardwood floor…with each step
they flipped and flopped all over the place. I concentrated so hard to keep my toes in the perfect position to try and keep them on. It was a show I can tell you! A show! Finally I stopped. I looked down and I
stepped out of them for the last time.
Sigh.
It's hard to learn how to embrace moments like this and to be honest, sometimes I don't want to. I don't want my injuries to migrate, I don't want to slip out of any of my shoes, I just want it to go away. And then with that very same breath, gratitude takes a first place seat... I am alive! I am walking! I am standing! I am still wearing fabulous shoes! They may be smaller, but friends I am still wearing fabulous shoes!
I went back to my closet and pulled a pretty gold pair of wedges out that my mom gave to me I had never worn them before because they were too small! Ironic, huh? Well, that was last summer and this summer they were a perfect fit! So here's to Sunday Shoes...and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday and Saturday Shoes! Here's to shoes! ;) Small shoes, big shoes, bedazzled shoes, red bottomed shoes...oh I better stop! Have a beautiful day everyone and I hope with shoes are no shoes that you realize what this post is all about...because it really isn't about the shoes! XOXO!
I always steer toward the advice that you never know what the person next to you is facing, no matter how well they are "put together" or how their "cover" appears on the outside.
I will refer to my own life, my struggles and the appearance that all is well physically to those that "see" me. My "cover" looks like I am a healthy, 39ish, (oh I wanted to say 25ish...) but my "book," my inside, the part that people don't see, is just the opposite.
I have blogged about my physical struggles several times and I am including one here called "The art and agony of being a cover girl." Please take a moment to read, here.
Yesterday I posted the following status on my Facebook along with the photo of my bracelet.
I had a doctor appointment this morning for my feet. Neuropathy and progression of injuries are worsening. When I was talking to my doctor, I said "I went in to have a baby and eight years later, I am here." All of my injuries are from my uterine rupture so they are all related to Matthew's death. Stinks. It stinks! Anyhoo, when the nurse checked my blood pressure, it was 127/97. That could be from the intense pain I was in...or from me looking at that sweet baby in the lobby for twenty minutes. It's all related! I know to expect these moments so I wear my Serenity Prayer bracelet to all of my doctors appts, today was no different. It's amazing what deep breaths and this prayer will do!
I have been through so, so much physically over the last eight years. It has been rough, ugly and difficult by all means. But I am here, I am walking still and I am mothering my boys. I am beyond grateful!!! And my heart is full of joy! JOY! I am not always happy about circumstances but happiness is circumstantial, joy is God-given!
My feet are ate up with neuropathy and crazy stuff but I can still wear shoes! (did y'all know I love me some shoes?) No, huh??? :)
On to the shoes...
Yesterday, I brought my doctor two of my flips that I wear at home. He was quite surprised at the visual of the impressions of my shoes. I am including these pics. *It is important to tell you that my left big toe is the only toe part of the bottom of my feet that I feel, so when I stand, it takes the weight and carries me. And the pressure, the stress point is evident in my shoes. I wear custom soles in my athletic shoes, but I haven't figured a way out for me to put them in my high heels! ;) I better note that my doctors (all of them) are not fans of me wearing flip flops and especially high heels...BUT...)
These are my around the house shoes that I throw on to go outside or to the pool.
memory foam flip flops
These flips are only a month old, it hasn't taken long for me to wear that toe out!
I have to say, I get sad as I see the deterioration of my feet but it is happening. There's so much happening to my feet and legs but moment by moment and with God's grace, we get through it.
When people see me, this is what they see. I have the agony completely covered up.
*It is a huge miracle that I can walk, stand much less wear the shoes I have on!
So once again, referring to my post earlier, there is an art and agony to being a cover girl. That's why I thought I would drop the art of being a cover girl and tell you how it really is.
I am a survivor of something so tragic that claimed my son's life and claimed my physical health...and I have good days and I have bad days...but even on those bad days, finding something beautiful is the easiest thing I do. I am blessed.
If you are struggling today or if you know someone that looks polished and put together, remember me! You never know what they are going through and what their shoes are like.
That's why I always say "don't judge my cover until you've read my book!"
Look beyond someone's cover today...and be blessed!
Where do I began this blog today? So so much going on...I am just going to do a run down of a few things... this post may be all over the place, so stick with me! ;)
Let's see, new puppy, need I say more? Will got a puppy from his Uncle Todd and Nay Nay... He has wanted one for so long and has worked really hard to get one. He has done extremely well in school and we knew it was time to say "yes!" Big smiles from Will! Her name is Penny! Yep, Penny! I told him "Will, that is so sweet to name her Penny! Is it because of the penny I give to you boys before baseball games?" (I give the boys a penny before every baseball game since Matthew has passed and they put it in their pocket to have a piece of Matthew's memory on the field with them, so of couse I thought he was being sentimental!) He said, "No Mom, it's like a girl Penny!" (like Penny and Sheldon) Oy vey! Let's just say his Uncle Todd could have had The Big Bang Theory on a time or two! (no, I do not let him watch that show!) Anyhow, her name, Penny! She has brought smiles and lots of cleaning floors to our lives!
We recently had family night at school and RW & and were excited to see Will's work and Nathan's History Project on display.
Will was super excited to show us his work as well! We were in his class looking at his folder and then came THE JOURNAL! I love, love, love kindergarden journals!!! Seriously, cannot help but love the way they write and sound out words! I love to look through Nathan's still! And when I get Will's at the end of the year, will love having both of them side by side for this mama to walk down memory lane!
Okay, so here is the part I really love! As Will showed us his journal, you could see the progression of his letters and thoughts come alive and as we turned the pages the drawings and the words begin to have more clarity. We smiled and laughed at the things he wrote and then I saw this... and I was like "AWE!"
Of course, I am sporting a mohawk in the pic and only for Will would I wear one! :) (big mama grin!) I tell you that because I was elated that I was able to go to the school that evening because I have had to miss so much because of my injuries. I really cherish every moment I am able to be present at things as this.
Then we walked to the gym to see the Science, History and Reading Fair projects. Nathan had worked really hard on his History Project and I couldn't wait to see it on display. When we walked into the gym, his teacher told us he had won first place in his category! We were thrilled and proud of the work he put into the project.
When we left the school, we headed to the baseball field where Nathan was practicing. Once again, I felt very, very grateful to be there in that moment watching Will run around the bleachers and Nate on the field. I was sitting in the car completely aware of how blessed I was to be there. Completely.
When we got home from the school that night, I snapped this photo of Nathan with his project and when I hugged him quickly knew I needed to find a thermometer. His temp, 101.1. He was sick.
So, off to the shower and bed he went and he would stay all weekend very under the weather with flu like symptoms and a fever. Soon after, RW was in the bed too!
So, here I was, feeling GREAT and Nate and RW were in bed...! That never happens!
Sunday morning, I took care of them while they were on the couch coughing and sneezing and fevers blazing and then that afternoon, Lynette was taking Will to the parade. Well, I didn't want to miss that with Will, so I made sure the sick boys were settled and got dressed to spend the afternoon with my lil' man! I was walking out of the door and I looked on the couch at RW and Nate wrapped in the blankets and I couldn't help but think this is the first time I have left feeling great leaving them home sick. It is usually the other way around.
I was so happy that I was able to go and see the smile on Will's face! That I didn't have to miss this! And that I had had such a great week of not missing stuff!
And of course the Superbowl was that evening! Wish the bigger boys would have felt better for sure! But we still enjoyed some time together that evening~!
Monday afternoon, Will had practice for the school talent show. He did so great practicing his drums on the stage. I didn't miss that either! :))) I just love it! And I took him for not one, but two ice creams after!
Believe me, it is such a big deal to me when I don't miss something!
Will did AWESOME in the school talent show! He won 3rd place! I love to watch him play the drums! (yes, we have a stage built in our home for him!) ;) This is a video of him practicing for the big night!
I am blessed... grateful that God has given me the strength and the fight within to stand and to continue to make memories with my boys and family. I am grateful I am feeling good and able to run after Penny while Will is at school. (I will tell you that she does get a bow or two in her hair though!) For sure! Hot pink nail polish is next! She is a guard dog in training, and she is going to be looking fabulous while she is on patrol on this hill!
And you guessed it... Dr. Seuss had a birthday at school and this mama got to go and cook some GREEN EGGS AND HAM! I had a blast listening to the kids (and myself) saying yuck! I admit, I have been a mama for almost 13 years and it was just yesterday that I tasted green eggs and ham! And we ALL liked it!
Another memory... another smile and another notch in my mommy belt! GRATEFUL!
Will is still on cloud 9 because he finally has a "dog of his own!" And I am still in awe at being here! Being with my family, being with my boys and being with RW!
Ohmygosh! I almost forgot to talk about shoes! Whew! Told you I was going to be all over the place today!
See these shoes? Yep, those are on my feet! The feet that I can't feel! If my doctors are reading this... LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY! ;) My mom bought them for me last week and I had the perfect event to wear them to! Pink Heart Funds, Evening in PINK! What a beautiful job my friend JoAn Nicely, founder of PHF, has done for breast cancer survivors! Wow, I was blown away by the event. For more info, see Pink Heart Funds. I cannot say enough about PHF! That's another blog day! JoAn was so kind when I lost most of my hair (after losing Matthew) and she gave me my first wig... That kindness lives on in her and in PHF! I will never forget it!
God knows how much I LOVE heels! I am so grateful I was able to wear them and walk around! That is crazy! If I listened to all the things my doctors say I shouldn't do, I would never have any fun and I would look like a total grandmaw all of the time! ;)
Sis and I at Evening in Pink
Life is short. Life is HARD!
I can testify to both.
Nathan was just 5 years old when we laid his little brother to rest... today he stands taller than me, with strong arms and a beautiful heart that is full of compassion as he is growing into a young man of God. He has been through so very much in his 12 years... I know God has some pretty amazing plans for him!
But I can also testify that through those HARD times, I have become better! I have become more aware of the absolute blessing that life is, that my family is and that through it all, God has been in control, He has never failed us, and He has never forsaken us. Through it all, we have become stronger in our faith, our marriage and our family. Stronger.
I heard a pastor say the other day that if you can just hold on to God and to each other during the most tragic times in your lives, your marriage will be stronger than ever because of it. I know that to be true. I have lived it, RW has lived it... and on March 6th, we will be celebrating 14 years of marriage! I can promise that when we said for better or worse we had no idea the worst would be attending the funeral of our own son nor did we know that the better would be the gift of our little Will! God knew it all! And he knows what tomorrow holds! He knows the better and the worse before it comes and is preparing us, whether we know it or not, for all that is in store for our lives.
Our constant is our God, ALWAYS!
There's a song that says "I've been through enough to know that he'll be enough for me!" How many of you can amen that one? Whatever our day brings, God is enough and I have honestly been through enough to say that! Amen!
Oh I could go on and on tonight, however I hear the rumblings of little Will and Nate... I think it is time to blow the whistle and send them to separate corners! ;) But one more rambling before I close, You all know I use XOXO all of the time as a term of endearment, and I found Will's writing tablet on the counter with this written on it. (big mama grin)
If I ever thought my children didn't watch what I did, this would be a great reminder that the opposite is true! This made me smile so big and yet gave me a great awakening of just how much is absorbed in our children that they see and hear from us! God help me today to be the best example for my boys that I can be! And thank you Jesus for keeping me well and letting me wear fabulous shoes! (Will did tell me to never wear those pink sparkly shoes to his school because he would be embarrassed!) hah!
I think I need to go and show this to them as they are going to their separate corners! ;)
Grateful mama signing off with lots of XOXO's to all of you!
