Walking in grace...still

I have been a little quiet lately.  Busy with life, but quiet.

The early days of October were pretty difficult and I am sure blogging about them will be done as I can talk about the two events that shook me really hard.

Both events left  me speechless.  One was a gun man at my son's pee wee football game, (no shots were fired and no one was injured, but the event left images and feelings that are etched so deep) and the other was a doctor appointment from HE double hockey sticks!  In case you don't know what that means, it is the polite version of HELL!

Both of these situations gripped my heart and robbed my soul.  Literally.

And as I sit today and ponder all of the things that we have been through over the last eight years, I see so much bad, so much heartache, so much pain...and if I scroll back to the beginning of this blog, to my book or to my journals in the early days of losing Matthew, I can feel the pain with every word penned, I feel the heartache, the tragedy, the wounds with the deepest part of my heart and soul, I see it all  before my eyes. But in the same breath, I can see God's grace ALL over it!

I posted a Facebook status earlier that inspired this post-

I have spent some time writing this morning...Purging your heart into print before your eyes sure takes you to hard places sometimes! But I cannot help but to see God's grace through it all, even in the bad, God's grace is present...sometimes very boldly, but more often, written between the lines. Thank you God for the grace you give to me daily to live and to survive the days, weeks, months and years since losing Matthew. And for giving me the grace to share with others that are also living with loss and suffering. It is called "Amazing Grace" for a reason!

I can get so caught up in the circumstances sometimes and I think that is so normal to do as  humans, but when I look at the supernatural surrounding me, I am in awe!  Complete awe!  There are miracles everywhere!  And restoration fills my cup daily!  Daily!

When Matthew died, I was permanently injured from the trauma to my body from the uterine rupture. Doctors were unsure if I would walk again.  I got warning labels a lot.  This could be "the year" that you are in a wheelchair.  I remember one doctor telling me that five years post injury, I would be in a wheelchair. Well, I am eight plus years post injury and still walking!

This is where I am going to be all sappy for a moment...

When Nathan, our oldest, was 5 years old, his brother died.  He had no idea if his mama was going to die, neither did anyone else.  As I began to walk again, he saw me learn to lean on his daddy and others to walk, then he saw me walk by myself over time.  I remember him asking me if I was going to be okay...(big mama tears) and it was then I knew I would do everything in my power to be okay.  I was going to do therapy and exercise and do my very best to stay on my feet for as long as I could.  And I have.  His words "Mama Persevere.  Don't give up" still inspire me daily.

Stay with me on this for a minute...When Nathan was that 5 year old little boy looking at me with those big brown eyes asking me this question, my heart and my thoughts jumped ahead to the future of his little life- one of those moments was his 8th grade football game, walking him across the field, another, his 12th grade football game, walking him across the field.  I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to walk beside him proudly...

And when the doctor told me that five years post injury I would be in a wheelchair, I jumped ahead to these football moments again...(big mama tears)

And now, one of these football moments is HERE!  It is tomorrow night!  Tomorrow night I WILL WALK my eighth grade son across the football field proudly!  With big mama tears, I am sure!  

This, this is a picture of GOD'S AMAZING GRACE for me!  This is a  moment I never thought I would have with my son, and he didn't know if he would have it with me!

There's so much bad in this world and we have been through much of it...so much! BUT GOD IS SO GOOD!!!  And he has given us some of the most amazing moments in our lives!  

Today, I can so easily freak out when I think about not being able to walk for his senior night across that football field or I can remember that daily for the last eight years, I have been walking in God's grace when doctors never thought I would!

I think I am sticking with the last one!

The hard question of the day for me is, "What shoes shall I wear when I WALK my son across the football field tomorrow night?

*UPDATE- Tonight was AMAZING and so emotional!  

So much I could say, but I will just say I am grateful and blessed to have had this moment with Nathan!

It was so special on so many levels!

Here are a few pics!  Grateful, grateful, grateful!

I always pray with Nate before games- (he calls me after school in the locker room or on the bus headed to the away games) but tonight, we were able to pray with him on the field. This is what we did before he played his last middle school ball game. He said "amen and I love you" and headed to play ball. I was so glad when I saw this photo on my camera roll! (photo above)  So special! All of tonight was so special!

Thank you God for my family and for the ability to walk in your grace every day of my life!    

PS- It got chilly, so I wore my boots!  No sparkly shoes, but I promise, I was sparkling enough without them!  (in my heart, that is!)  <3

Capture Your Grief ~ October 2013 Photo Challenge

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and I am participating in Carly Marie's "Capture Your Grief Photo Challenge" in honor of my sweet boy Matthew.

I am thoroughly enjoying the challenge.  It has been so very beautiful to see the photos that others are posting and listening to their hearts through them.  Every child, so precious, and their lives never forgotten.  

Every child loved so very much.  

I am sharing my photos here on my blog as well as on my Facebook page.  I hope that as you look at these photos below, you will also know that our son is missed so very much and loved infinitely and beyond but most of all that you will see that he is still very much a part of our lives.  



Day 1- Sunrise ~ I missed the sunrise this morning, but after school our "rainbow" drew one for me! I sat across from him as he drew this and my heart was filled with warmth and I realized I missed this morning's sunrise for a reason...Through the eyes of a child, I saw a little bit of heaven created in front of me.
In loving memory of Matthew Clark Weatherly 

Day 2- Identity ~ Matthew Clark Weatherly 

When we were deciding what to name our second son, we knew we wanted him to have a strong biblical name and a family name. Matthew means a gift from God and Clark is my maiden name. He was and is definitely a gift from God.

Matthew weighed 8 lbs and 14oz when he was born and lived 25 minutes before he went to see Jesus. My uterus ruptured causing his death. He couldn't have been more beautiful or perfect as I held him in my arms. I studied every little groove in his hands, every detail on his face, and soaked up the smell of the baby lotion that my sister put on him just for me and whispered words that only he and God could hear.

When I think of his identity, I think of our faith and our family, just like his name. That's who he always was and always will be...Matthew Clark Weatherly, my son, my beautiful baby boy, our gift from God.

Day 3- Myths ~ Reading books and Lamaze classes prepare you for birth.

By all counts, I was prepared to birth my baby. I read books, I took classes that told me when to breathe and then I read some more. Added the experience of my first pregnancy and successful delivery, going into my second one, I thought "I got this." I knew what to "expect." Except, I didn't "expect" my son to die. Not one book nor class I took would ever have prepared me for that.

When I was writing my book, it didn't take me long to come up with the sub-title, "What I Didn't Expect When I was Expecting" for this very reason.

Day 4- Legacy~ 

"Legacy is defined as something that is received from someone who has died." 

With that definition in mind I began to really think about Matthew's legacy. I got a little overwhelmed when I reflected upon all of the people I have met not because he lived, but because he died. Many of these mothers I have hugged, I have talked with, I have cried with and I have prayed for because their babies have died too.

Matthew's legacy is shared and penned in my book "Facets of Life," on my blog, through Random Acts of Kindness in Memory of Matthew Clark Weatherly and also at Still Standing Magazine. Each of these outlets have created some pretty incredible opportunities for me to reach others and help those that have suffered loss in their lives. Each of these outlets give me moments to mother Matthew...this is how I mother him, how I share him, how I love him and honor him in our lives. I love being his mother!

I am so grateful that through the years I have been able to speak about him, write about him, remember him, and share him with the world.

When I look at Matthew's legacy in reference to the definition above, I see what he left behind...what I have received from him and pass on to others in his name...and that is LOVE.

Matthew's legacy is LOVE.

Day 5- Memory~

Because of the emergent situation with me after delivery, I never saw Matthew. I only saw the bottom of his feet as the medical staff worked on him. I remember I was screaming at everyone wanting to know why he wasn't crying before I was unconscious. Many medical complications later and two full weeks in the hospital, I was released. When I left the hospital without my son, the thought that he had been in the morgue for two weeks without me just about killed me the rest of the way.

I still had not seen a photo of my sweet son. 

Thursday before his funeral service I sat in the bed and I asked my husband to show me his picture. He gently sat beside me and handed me a folder. As I opened it and saw Matthew the tears began and I don't ever remember them stopping. I traced his little face with my finger studying all that I could in the small photos. (this was 19 days after he passed away)

Two days later, at three weeks, we had his funeral service. This would be the first time I ever held my son and the last. I remember walking toward the room he was in telling my family I couldn't hold him, I was afraid...as we turned the corner and I saw his little white "bed," I couldn't get to him fast enough. I had to hold him...for the next two hours I held him...I loved him...I talked to him...I kissed him...I mothered him.

This memory is sacred and forever etched within my heart, my soul and my being.

Day 6- Rituals~

Our family rituals to include Matthew into our lives have turned into something very natural, so natural, I no longer think of them as rituals, but rather just living our love out loud for Matthew.

One of my favorite rituals is on game day for my boys. I give them a penny for their pocket, not for good luck, but for their brother Matthew. We have a special handshake we do when the penny is transferred from my hand into their hand. They are sure to never run out of the dugout without their penny.

I have never been able to see Matthew pitch a ball or slide into home, but I have seen his brothers do this many times. And every time they do, they do it with a little piece of their brother. I sit in the stands knowing what their pocket holds and I smile a little, sometimes cry a little as I look at the field of dreams before me and know that Matthew's brothers are representing for him. Matthew is always with us, but a penny is a tangible sign that we can hold and pass to each other when we need it.

My boys turn to me for their penny before each game and what is transferred from my hand to theirs is sure worth a lot more than one cent. It gives me so much joy because even in Matthew's absence, we are still very aware of his presence.

I believe these no longer feel like rituals because we do them now without even thinking about it...it is just a part of what we do, how we remember Matthew, how we love and how we live. We live loving our sons, all three of them. 

Day 7- You Now~

This was a topic I recently wrote about over at Still Standing Magazine.  Since this article sums up just who "I am after loss" I thought I would share it here for my day 7. 

Day 8- Color(s)~

The sun rays beaming down through the wild flowers, the moon reflecting on the water, the stars in the sky, the solar lights surrounding the gardens, the twinkling of lights or a flickering candle... these reflections of light all capture my attention and bring to me great awareness of the beauty that is surrounding me. In these moments I breathe in the air and look around, I soak up the moment and the beauty as much as I can, and in those moments, I feel like heaven is a little closer...

And that feels good.

Day 9- Music~

Oh to just choose ONE song? BUT, it has to be "Glory Baby" by Watermark. My family put together a slide show of photographs of Matthew and played it at his service. I remember hearing this song while I was holding my Matthew...and this song brings a little piece of that back to me. Oh how I wish I could hold him today!

"He just has heaven before we do..."

Listen to "Glory Baby" here ~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e01hk1BRYqM

Day 10- Beliefs~

I believe with my whole heart that Matthew is in heaven with Jesus and that I will see my son again. What a glorious day that will be!

Day 11- Triggers~

The stupid lullaby (see blog post below) and the scent of the soap at the hospital are definitely huge triggers for me. And of course running across Matthew's death certificate takes my breath away. Every single time.  

I share one of my experiences with that here-

http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2012/03/stupid-lullaby-death-certificate.html

Day 12- Article~

First of all there are so, so many I could name from Still Standing Magazine that have just been amazing to read! I am honored to write with a team of such incredible writers over there! Their words inspire me and touch my heart daily! So just go and check them all out! It is so worth your time to! 

When I really started to pin point an article that UNLOCKED something with me I kept going back to an article I wrote a while back "Exhausted Mom meets Grieving Mom." This article gave me some validation for "grieving mama" that I didn't even know I was looking for, but that I certainly needed. Ever since writing this article, I acknowledge "grieving mama" that accompanies me all day and I take much better care of "her." And I needed that and so did "she." 

Day 13- Book~

I was given many books after Matthew passed away and I tried to read a few, but found it too overwhelming to read the pain of others and feel the pain I felt. I put all the books away and hung closely to my Women's Devotional Bible. This is the book that carried me throughout days and still does. This one devotion below helped me immensely. I was "much afraid" in this story. What a gift God's word and promises have been to me all of my life, but especially after losing Matthew and living with loss. I couldn't do it without this book! *this page is pretty tattered because it has had many years fall upon it...

Day 14- Family~

This is one of my favorite family photos because there are five footprints in the sand. In all of our family photographs, there is always an extra spot for Matthew that many may not see. But this one, this one, everyone can see our sweet boy's presence and that makes me smile.

(We took Matthew's foot mold to the beach for this photograph and to see his little footprint in the sand melted my heart...oh how I wish I could chase that little one on the beach!) 

*photograph credit- Madella Jordan,ShUtUPaNDsmilePHotOgRaphy.

Day 15- Wave of Light~

The wave of light has begun...remembering my little Matthew and all of the sweet and precious babies gone too soon. "Dear Little Ones...You are greatly missed and deeply loved~Forever in our hearts"

This candle was given to me at my blessings shower for Matthew, over eight years ago. It had never been lit until tonight by my oldest son. It was a special moment to see him light this candle for so many reasons. He asked to light it and told me he is old enough now to really understand how special this is. (big mama hug!).

I will let this burn one hour and light it again next year on this date and and the years to follow. The time was right finally after all of these years! In memory of all of our babies...love to all!

Day 16- Seasons~

The season that is the hardest for me is the entire month of July. Matthew was born on July 2, the day before my 31st birthday. He lived just 25 minutes before he went to be with Jesus. Because of my medical complications, we were not able to bury him until July 23, after I was released from the hospital. July is certainly a pressing month. The "Happy Birthdays" that roll in the day after my son's anniversary of his death are always painful. This was the 8th year without Matthew and was the first year I decided (was ready) to take a different approach to this time in my life. I can honestly say this year was better because I was at a place in my life where I could ask for this birthday wish in honor of my son! ♥ 

Blog post on my special birthday wish here- http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/07/my-birthday-wish-part-two.html

Day 17- Time~

It has been 8 years and 3 months since Matthew passed away. Seems like forever ago, but also like just yesterday. I don't ever remember what it feels like to not have this ache in my heart for my son. I miss him, a lot.

Day 23- Jewelry~

This necklace with Matthew's photo engraved on it is one of the many pieces of jewelry I wear in memory of Matthew. This piece is so special to me and this photo shows just how much this mama wears it! (Our rainbow son drew this for me!)

Will drew a picture of me at school for Mother's Day- you may see the crazy brown hair (because he says sometimes you are brown headed Mom) but the first thing I saw was what was around my neck! My necklace with Matthew's photo! Now that made this mama smile! Love how Will always remembers him too! He captured me completely in this portrait! This is my favorite picture of me ever!!! Drawn by my beautiful gift from heaven, Will! Grateful Mama!!! Look how carefully he drew his brother! So special! 

Day 25- Say it Out Loud~

I challenged myself to reflect upon my own life and I admit I was afraid for years to speak...I was afraid of letting the world know that I was hurting. I was afraid that the pain would be too great. I was afraid to say my son died...saying it meant I could no longer deny it...saying it meant the world would look at me differently.

I am sharing this blog post today because it sums so much of it up for me.

http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/05/i-will-say-it-out-loud-for-rest-of-my.html

I will add daily to this post as I can.  I am looking forward to reflecting upon this project when I am finished. I know the impact will be pretty profound on me, as it already has.  (It may take me about 51 days to finish the 31 day challenge...but I will do it!  

A beautiful thank you to Carly Marie for this gift!  <3

To learn more or participate in this photo challenge, visit here.

The sweetest story...

While looking through photos earlier today, I ran across this series.  They tell a beautiful story in just four short photographs.

The day I took these photos, I was standing in the background watching my boys say goodbye to their brother.  It was then I witnessed the most beautiful and sweetest sight that still leaves me with tears rolling down my cheeks.    

 1. Nathan was bending down talking to Matthew...Will was really trying to be patient.

2. Will tapped Nathan on the shoulder to tell him it was his turn. (I guess his patience was all used up.)

3. Will bent down taking his position to talk to Matthew.

4. Will leaned in closer to Matthew's tombstone and whispered words I couldn't hear, but when he stood up tears were rolling down his face.

And mine too...

Will ran to me and Ronnie hugging us so tightly and then Nathan pressed in as we all just took that moment to let it be...We let the tears fall and let love take over...We were loving and missing Matthew together.  

Will never told us what he was whispering to Matthew...but I know it was the sweetest story!

BIG MAMA TEARS!

Lord, I am crying again typing this!  

We know Matthew isn't there, he is with Jesus...but this is "his special place" and we have had the most amazing moments out there together and each time we do, a little "peace" of heaven touches our hearts!

Like this one.

Thank you Lord for these precious, precious moments and memories and thank you Lord for my boys and the love that they have for each other!  Thank you Lord that the sweetest story never ends...but continues in eternity with you...

Now, I need a box of Kleenexes, a hug and three cookies! 

Don't "waste" the fragrance...

Don't waste this...don't waste that...

Anybody?

We are so trained to not waste things, electricity, food, time, you know things like that.  And I am on board with those totally.  But sometimes I let the "not wasting" state of mind roll over and take away some pretty simple pleasures.

Sometimes I even think I am "wasting" my time if I am laying down for a few minutes when the laundry needs to be put away, when in reality, if I am resting, why would I consider that wasting my time?

Or how about this one, "I don't want to waste this on today, I am waiting for a special occasion..."

Anybody?

I am not a drinker, but I cannot tell you how many times I have heard someone say they are saving a bottle of wine for a special occasion, which leads me to the honest assumption that if I were a drinker, I would have a stock pile of bottles just waiting for something to be special enough to use it for.

For Pete's sake, I have been waiting for fourteen years to use our china...now you are totally thinking I would be saving all of my wine, huh?

Really!

Fourteen years, and the beautiful china. has never been used!

Why?

What exactly am I waiting for anyway?

Special occasions?  Well, I have had fourteen wedding anniversaries and brought home two beautiful boys to raise in my home and why wasn't the china broken out?  Is that not special enough?

Of course it was!!!

But I am still waiting...after all, year fifteen is right around the corner...Sigh!

Even writing that makes me cringe.  I am determined to feed my family on that china now!  Even if it is pizza and tater tots!

The other day, I was home by myself and my sister purchased a new fall candle for me.  I was cleaning and I started to light it and my first thought was "Don't waste it (the fragrance) now because I am the only one home.  The candle will only burn so many hours and shouldn't I burn it when my home is filled with people that will enjoy the fragrance too?"

Why did I react that way?  Why wouldn't it be okay for me to enjoy the fragrance while home alone?

After that troubling thought, I forced myself to light the candle because I would enjoy the fragrance and I was worth it.

That triggered this post...

Why did I think I was going to waste the candle on myself?

Why?

Why do we not use our fancy perfume unless we go somewhere? (I do use my fancy perfume on my gloomy days though!)

Why?

So many things came to my mind when I was thinking about this and have made me more determined than ever to really enjoy the fragrances of daily life, even when I am by myself.

If I want to use a candle or a perfume to fragrance the air, or the turn the lamp in the corner on just to make the atmosphere pretty for myself, then by golly, I am not wasting any of it.  And I will enjoy it!

These things matter because we matter. 

I think we short change ourselves from some simple pleasures in life by thinking we are "wasting the fragrances" sometimes.  I know I do.

And I don't want to do that anymore.

Know what I mean?

Don't let today's fragrance be wasted!  Don't wait until tomorrow or when your house is full of guests to light your best smelling candle!  Enjoy it today!

And for Pete's sake, don't wait fourteen years to use your china!

Today is a gift and you may not have tomorrow!  
So today is special enough!  And you are special enough!

*I am making the declaration today that this week I am pulling my china out of the packaging and going to set a fabulous and beautiful table for my family to dine on!  (stay tuned, for that will be a blog post in itself!)

PS...My entire house smells like fall right now and I am the only one home enjoying the fragrance and that is more than okay!  I have learned my lesson!  Now, go light your candles!  :)

dirt on my hands and I miss him...

This evening we went to the cemetery to clean up a little.

It is really an awful thing to have to do, mother a grave site, but one that I have done now for over eight years and one I will do until I die.

When we got there, I noticed something was missing and I got really aggravated.  I walked around looking for  it, and it was not to be found.  Sigh.

We have had many things taken from there through the years and each time, it hurts my heart.

I get mad, really mad too...

As I weeded, I got even more aggravated that anyone would take anything from anyone's sacred place.

Especially my son's.

I came home and ranted in a short Facebook status and within ten minutes had to take it down.  Ranting about someone stealing from the cemetery wasn't bad to do, but it didn't make my heart feel any better than it did before my rant.  So I checked my heart and deleted my status and followed that with a brief explanation and an apology for my rant.

I know this happens so much.  People steal from cemeteries.  That thought is just disturbing, isn't it?

Disturbed and frustrated, when I got home, I walked inside to wash my hands and I looked down at them and they were so dirty from pulling weeds.  I had dirt under every fingernail and patches of dirt dried on my hands.

Before I washed the dirt off, I had a "mama moment" and got really sad.  These same hands rubbed my belly when Matthew kicked me, these hands held him close to my heart the day I said goodbye and now these hands weed the dirt his body is buried under.

I got sad.

Just being real and it hurts my heart.

It hurts my heart that I had dirt on my hands cleaning the grave where my son is buried.

It hurts my heart that I couldn't protect him from death and that I cannot protect his special things at the cemetery.

I close tonight kind of numb that I know this isn't the last time something will get stolen or the last time I will have dirt on my hands.

Love to all,

Matthew's Mama

PS- I miss him.

Still a "Mother," after child loss, title me this...

This morning, I was thinking about moms, ALL the moms, past present and future.

Then I started thinking about all of the former presidents and beauty pageant winners. WHAT?  I know, right?  

Stick with me for a minute and I'll finish my thought process...

When a president's term is over, he is no longer active as President of the United States anymore, yet he carries his title for life, the rest of  his life.  Long after he is gone, we acknowledge and respect his title associated with his name, as we should.  

When Miss America's reign comes to an end and she passes the crown to someone else, she may step out of the spotlight or off of her platform, yet she carries her title for the rest of her life.

I just googled Miss America 1963 and there she was, Jacquelyn Mayer.  It's pretty amazing, yeah?  I think so.  Google any year since the pageant began, and there she will be, another beauty that is forever etched into our history.

These are just two references that happen to be a great part of our history, but these are also two examples of something that goes a lot deeper than politics or pageants in my thoughts today.

Titles...this is about titles.

When you are expecting a baby, you are a mother.

When you have a baby, you are a mother.

When you lose your baby or your child, (no matter what age) you are STILL a mother.

You have the RIGHT to bear the title that sometimes the world strips away from you...

Your reign never ends...you don't just step off of the platform of motherhood and continue life as if your child never existed. (no matter what age)

You don't pass your tiara on to the next lady in line and move on...

Yet politicians and pageant winners do, (respectively)...and they still get to keep their titles.

And we respect and admire (okay, most of them...) them.  Well, regardless if we respect or admire them, the title stays.

It may be former or past before their name, but forever, they are known as what they each desired to become.

To become President of the United States or Miss America, diligent work is involved for many years, a hunger and desire is within their hearts to achieve their goal.  I won't pretend I know any of the "real" work involved into becoming either, but I do know the "real" work involved in becoming a mother...I know the desire to become a mother and I know the desire to stay a mother, to keep my title for my lifetime...

Do you see the parallel here?

I have two boys here that call me mom and I am so grateful, but I always miss that one little voice that I should be hearing...I am his mother, too, for my lifetime.

Many mothers that do not have any living children are never acknowledged today as a mother and that is sad to me.  I believe that is why so many find comfort within our baby loss community, because they desire their child to be recognized and remembered and they desire the title as a mother that they have worked so hard to achieve...and they deserve both and then some.

Motherhood begins with love and love begins at the beginning... 

Love begins at conception, but upon death, love should not be expected to end...

Mothers who carried their babies just a few short weeks, nine months, who have children that lived only a few moments or a full life but died before them, these are ALL mothers that are mothers for the rest of their lifetimes.  

You don't have to see a crown on someone's head to acknowledge that she was once a Miss America.  You know?

I love beauty pageants and am certainly not bashing them nor am I disrespecting political offices of any kind, I am simply stating that I wish that ALL mothers could maintain their titles that they so very much deserve for their lifetimes too.

©2011-2013 All Rights Reserved http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/

Where I Need To Be...

I was on my way to get Nate from school and tears began to stream down my face when I crossed over a bridge...  and grief, as it does out of the clear blue, ( for no particular reason) was my companion as I finished the last few miles.  (I know many of you know what I mean!)

I used to try and not give in to the grief, but I have learned to embrace those moments... those tears are for my son... those tears are what I have left... and I have accepted when those moments come, that I need to just let it happen.  Let grief breathe over me and let the tears clear my hazy vision. 

I wondered HOW in the world have I lived over eight years without my son?  How???

As I cried, I knew the answer... the only answer.

By the GRACE OF GOD.

Tears, pain, heartache, grief, scars, burying our son, losing hope and finding it over and over again serve as permanent markers and reminders of our lives over the last eight years.

That pain, led me to places I didn't want to go sometimes... and back to places that hurt me really bad.

But when I was ready, that pain led me to share Matthew with the world by taking my friend's advice and doing Random Acts of Kindness in Matthew's honor.

Then I wrote my book, Facets of Life, in memory of the most precious baby boy in the world... with cheeks that I would do anything to be able to kiss right now.

And  as I journeyed on, I became a speaker and an advocate for hurting families...

Then I began this blog...

and that journey led me to Still Standing Magazine...

I have survived over eight years without my son... it hasn't been easy... it's been the hardest thing I have ever done, to persevere, to face my fears, to find my faith again... but sweet friends, there is something so beautiful in my heart when I know that as I journey every day with you all, I am remembering my sweet Matthew and reaching out to hurting families that are on this journey too.

Over eight years, and  my tears still flow as if it were yesterday...

But my heart knows that it has been a very long eight years since I have kissed those precious cheeks hello and goodbye.

If you are on this journey too, I encourage you to take your pain and allow it to funnel a passion within you... find a way to honor, remember and cherish the life that lives on within your heart, always.

Where there is pain, there is a passion... where there is passion, there is purpose.  Where there is purpose, there is a need...  someone needs you today to have the courage to step out and share your heart, your story, your pain.  And in that, healing begins...

Had I not allowed myself to be vulnerable to share my pain and my heart, my journey above, would have been quite different.  And perhaps I wouldn't be here with you now.

As Matthew's mama, I  know I am right where I need to be...